Mindfully Fertile May 10, 2010

“Mindfulness involves the complete owning of each moment of your experience, good bad, or ugly” Jon Kabat-Zinn (1990, Full Catastrophe Living).

In my work with clients who are struggling with fertility I find that stress compounds over time. As time passes and procedures get more invasive, the stress, hopelessness and worry can become overwhelming. As time passes, so does the feeling of being completely out of control. The more out of control people feel, the more they reach for something to fix it. I find that my clients are often searching for that one tool, technique, or treatment that will be the magic cure that will allow a pregnancy to happen. Unfortunately with fertility, there is not a magic cure that will work for everyone at all times. The process of creating a baby is magical and despite medical advances there remains a certain mystery to the process.

The goal of being Mindfully Fertile is to help clients cope with the uncertainties, feelings, stress and distress that develops overtime when coping with fertility issues. The mindset that helps people to cope best with infertility issues is a balance between hopefulness and being grounded in what is and what isn’t possible this cycle. Being able to focus on what is in our control when so many things are uncontrollable is helped by being more mindful.

Being mindful involves practice and effort and involves learning how to pay attention in the present moment. At times, this comes naturally and easily and at others times, it can take more effort. It often takes more effort during times of stress and emotional distress and yet, it is at this time that we benefit most from being mindful.

When we are stressed, we often waste energy by reacting in automatic, unconscious ways to both what is happening to us and to our inner experience of what is happening. “One way to think of this process of transformation is to think of mindfulness as a lens, taking the scattered and reactive energies of your mind and focusing them into a coherent source of energy for living, for problem solving, and for healing” (Kabat-Zinn, 1990).

The benefits of mindfulness include:
• The ability to develop a deep sense of calmness and relaxation
• Development of increased clarity and understanding
• Increased ability to channel our energy and to be more effective under stressful situations
• The energy is always with us, because it comes from within

For coping with infertility this can mean:
• The ability to develop a relaxed and calm state during procedures, during the 2WW (two week wait), or after hearing bad news
• It can help to calm your mind enough to make decisions and to consider alternatives from a grounded place as compared to a place of desperation
• Channeling our energy into activities that are proactive and helpful
• Taking some quiet time to heal, rest and recover from the physical and emotional traumas that occur during this process

© Jennifer L. Bessel, Ph.D. 2010

Mind Body Techniques Improve Fertility April 29, 2010

How Successful is Hypnosis with Fertility Issues?

Often in my work, I am asked, “What percentage of clients that you work with get pregnant?” This is a valid question, yet difficult to answer as a percentage. Percentages are a common way to quantify if a program is successful or not and often used in the infertility field. For example, the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology (SART.org) publishes yearly statistics on clinics that submit data to them. These statistics are helpful in giving an overall picture of the success of the procedures and possibly the success of the program. However, percentages alone do not give the full picture. For example, one clinic may work best with the 40 plus age group, whereas another works best with clients with PCOS. The best way to find a clinic that is best for you is to ask the experience of others, to ask a lot of questions at the clinic, and to meet the doctor and the clinic staff and find the best fit for your situation. In the case of my work with clients, giving a percentage is also difficult. Many of my clients are working with assisted reproduction (ART), acupuncture and other modalities, so it would be difficult to say what part of the treatment plan helped someone to get pregnant.

Here are some important things I can say about the effectiveness of mind-body techniques. In my work and in the work of others who provide mind-body services, we find that clients report less stress, depression and anxiety while going through the process. They also report more satisfaction during their daily lives while going through fertility treatments. Overall, quality of life goes up. Also, clients who have had an IVF cycle without support and then with support report that the experience was much different. They often say, “I wish I had known about these techniques before,” and “I felt so much better throughout this cycle compared to the last time.” Once someone is pregnant, the anxiety can be incredibly high, especially if someone has had previous losses. Support and mind-body tools during this phase of conception are just as important.

In essence, this question is important and it is asking for hope. Hope is an important factor that helps individuals to cope with the ups and downs of infertility. My philosophy when I work with my clients is to help them reframe their goal from “getting pregnant” to building a healthy mind and body during preconception which can last throughout pregnancy and parenthood. Research has found that being in a mindful, calm state during preconception can have positive effects on the development of your baby. In the interest of instilling hope, I have compiled some research and evidence for the helpfulness of mind body techniques.

• A recent Israeli study found that the success rate of IVF treatments doubled from 14% to 28%, when the participants underwent hypnosis during implantation. Professor Eliahu Levitas (2003) conducted this study with 185 women.

• Dr. Daniel Amen discusses the importance of making “stress reduction the first step before seeking pricey fertility treatments” in his book, Change your Brain, Change your Body (2010). He also shares how hypnosis is a tool that can help to produce deep relaxation to help relax the smooth muscle tissue that surrounds the fallopian tubes.

• Dr. Bruce Lipton (Biology of Belief, 2005) discusses the notion of “Conscious Parenting.” Research suggests that parents act as genetic engineers for the children months before conception. Parents do better when they live in a calm, stable, low stress environment. This environment, in turn, affects the development of their child.

• Alice Domar, Director of The Domar Center for Mind Body Health, completed research with fertility patients and found that 55% of previously infertile women who met regularly in a mind-body program conceived vs. 20% of those who did not use mind body techniques (2000). Dr. Domar has completed many studies and all show that mind-body techniques are helpful to couples coping with infertility.

• Dr. Ernest L. Rossi specializes in psychobiology, or the relationship between the mind and physical body states. He has done extensive research to suggest that human genes must be in a state of physical readiness for conception to take place, and that hypnotic-type suggestions can activate specific genes in the correct order.

The mindset that helps people to cope best with infertility issues is a balance between hopefulness and being grounded in what is and what isn’t possible this cycle. Being able to focus on what is in our control when so many things are uncontrollable is helped by being more mindful. The percentages give us hope on the positive side, they also let us know that there is not a 100% solution. Overtime, most people can get pregnant and even more can find a way to be a parent in different ways. So with this knowledge that that there is not ONE thing that will make a pregnancy happen, we can nurture ourselves, our relationships and our bodies with loving kindness.

© Jennifer L. Bessel, Ph.D. 2010

Infertility can Hurt Friendships April 9, 2010

         While in the nail salon one day, two women started to talk about being pregnant.  One had recently had a baby and the other was due in a couple of months.  I had just received a negative pregnancy test after a mediated cycle and was trying to relax and distract myself.  At one point the conversation shifted and the pregnant woman shared about how hurt she was that her best friend, who has been struggling with infertility, has been avoiding her and does not want to be around her. I could hear the pain in her voice; she missed her friend and wanted her there during this most important and exciting time in her life.  I could also imagine the pain of her friend who, like many of the women that I work with, has a very difficult time being around women who are pregnant when they have been struggling with having a baby of their own. I sat there quietly, wondering if I should say something both as a person going through fertility issues and as a professional who works with individuals struggling with fertility issues.  I decided to try to stay focused on my magazine that day, mostly because I felt too emotional to make logical sense.

      Well, here are some things I would have shared.  The desire to have a child is a strong urge.  It has emotional, biological, social and even spiritual underpinnings.  It is so strong on all of these levels and it is difficult to describe what it is like when the goal is not realized. Constantly dealing with negative pregnancy tests after going through treatments can result in feelings of sadness, depression, anger, disappointment, bitterness, and anxiety. Wanting to have a child is not like wanting a new car or a new job. It is part of the story of who we are in the world.  When we are young girls we may have had dolls that we practiced being mommy with or maybe we babysat as a teenager and learned more about being a parent.  Often we think “when the time is right” or when I meet the right person, we will start a family.  Having a child is always a part of the grand plan.  Even women, who don’t have the urge from early on, can start to feel their biological clock ticking and start to feel the longing for a child.

       One thing that happens when you are going through fertility issues is that pregnancy is everywhere.  Well of course, it is always everywhere, but it becomes so much more noticeable when you are struggling.  At this time a pregnant woman becomes a painful reminder of what is not happening for you.  In order to deal with the difficult feelings, some women withdraw from friends and family to help lessen the pain and possibly for fear of crying when seeing a baby or if someone asks them a question like “When are you going to have a child?”  Withdrawal is not a planned response, it just happens.

     So, for the friend who is pregnant and wonders, “Why is my friend not there for me?”  Here are some things to keep in mind that will hopefully help to preserve your friendship.  Know that your friend is not intentionally trying to hurt you and she would be there if she could.  Your friend may be in more pain than you realize and just needs to protect herself.  Of course, this may seem selfish and unfair, but then infertility is not fair.  If you really care about this friend and this friend is generally a good person to have around, then leave some space open in your heart.  Your friend may return when she is able to.  I have never worked with a woman who withdrew from people she cared about who didn’t feel sad, guilty or bad for doing so.  At the same time, they just couldn’t be close to the person and be ok. 

      For those of you, who are going through fertility issues, try to let your pregnant friend or family member know that you do care in some small way. Sometimes a note, email or voicemail may keep you in touch, but also allow you the distance you need.  You could also try to share your feelings with the person, if they are the type of person who is open to that.  Also, know that you can only do what you can and that there may be times when it may be more difficult to be there for other people.  For example, going to a baby shower after a failed IVF cycle may be just too much to handle and that is ok. 

      Unfortunately, this is a very delicate issue and can affect friendships.  Hopefully, with some patience and understanding and a little awareness, good friendships can be maintained, repaired and rebuilt. 

© Jennifer L. Bessel, Ph.D. 2010

NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK® April 26, 2009

RESOLVE: THE NATIONAL INFERTILITY ASSOCIATION
PUTS SPOTLIGHT ON FERTILITY DURING
NATIONAL INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK®
April 27th to May 2nd, 2009

For most people fertility isn’t an issue and having a child is an easy thing. For others, infertility can challenge how you feel about yourself, your relationship and your life. Infertility occurs in about 7.3 million women and their partners in the United States (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, CDC 2002). Infertility can be associated issues with the male partner (about 35%) the female partner (about 35%), both partners (about 13%) and finally due to unexplained causes (about 10%).

Going through the process of fertility treatment, whether utilizing medical, complementary or a combination of approaches requires an individual to be diligent about maintaining their health in mind and body as the process can be exhausting. For men and women who are coping with infertility, having resources and knowledge can help them to navigate the difficulties along the way.

RESOLVE’s National Infertility Awareness Week educates the general public and creates greater awareness and understanding about infertility, to help women and men find answers and get the support they need to make important medical decisions and address the medical, emotional, social and economic challenges infertility can present.

Here are some myths and facts to consider about infertility from Resolve.org:

Infertility 101: Get the facts

Myth: It’s all in your head! Why don’t you relax or take a vacation. Then you’ll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems. You can learn techniques to lower stress, yet you are not at fault.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: I shouldn’t take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason… I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I’ve lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis — it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

Understanding the myths that we believe ourselves as well as those we hear from those around us can help to empower ourselves to challenge them and to find different solutions.
This blog will address some of the psychological issues associated with infertility. Please return for more information during this week of awareness and hope.
Jennifer Bessel, Ph.D.
www.hypnosis-fertility.com